👣 Noire Pilgrim: Stranger on Earth

Wanderer, pilgrim, and sometimes, stranger. I am mining data from my experiences on the camino for… what? My journey is a long one, so I have plenty of time to walk, talk, and think. I want to live a more meaningful life. That desire defines my life. I haven’t achieved that goal yet. Hmmm, how do I know that I am not leading that life right now? It is the reason that I am here…. to learn, to observe and to find out.

Many of us live on this earth without knowing who we really are. Do we want to know? Some of us realize late in life that our private self does not match our public self. Does it delight or shock us? Do we dare change? Could we accept the idea that knowing our true selves can actually soothe our minds and our souls?

Birth of a stranger

In the midst of conversations with a couple of pilgrim friends, I found that we have a few things in common. All of us don’t have the full story about our families of origin.

Family of Strangers

It is true for them and for me. Suffering and hope shaped all our lives. I grew up not knowing very much about my mother and father’s past lives as children and young people.

Many things were not talked about. Almost any subject, even those that could have been helpful to their own family, was dismissed as being too painful to recall. It left me frustrated and a little empty.

The long distances I’ve walked so far forced many painful childhood experiences to the front of my mind. Sometimes I feel sorry for myself. That is compounded by the fact that I am on this trail on pilgrimage believing that I am suffering.

Up a mountain, down a hill, in the rain or under the burning sun, it’s all suffering when I believe it to be so. Where is that confounded yellow arrow? There it is pointing the Way up the steep side of the mountain ahead!

Then I think about the two people who brought me into the world.

Earthly and cosmic family

Their lives were not easy being born in the south in a time when our people were not recognized as human. They and our ancestors endured heinous, unimaginable acts perpetrated (still) upon them in our so-called civilized nation.

I have bits and pieces of knowledge of their lives. Large families were on both sides – that I know. Before I knew it, many of them – aunts, uncles, grandmothers and grandfathers – were dead and gone. Most, I never met or never knew. I am fortunate to know their names.

I am left with sharp bits that cut to the bone. It hurts today as it hurt yesterday. And I live between time everyday.

Silence makes strangers of us all

Thinking about it makes me sad for all of them. It makes me sad that my mother never talked about the traumatic life she lived as a child. It makes me sad that my father never talked about the traumas in his life. I believe that the revelation of these things could have been a powerful source of healing for us all.

The forests, mountains, and fields that I traverse by way of the camino serve as a backdrop for these “memories”.

What do I do with this?

They are no longer walking this earth. I wish I could share my experiences with them. They gave their blood and sweat for me to stand and walk here. My father could appreciate the freedom to simply…. walk. He wanted that. My mother would understand fully the freedom to take care of…. just herself. She needed that.

That chance for both of them is gone now. My emotions rise from my chest. I am doing this pilgrimage walk for them and for me.

Walking for me

But a part of healing is acknowledging that I am walking the camino for me – no one else. That is the growth in my thinking. It seems selfish but it does lessen somewhat the burden of “survivor’s” guilt. Dedicating my walk to anyone or anything is a motivation but I cannot live in the past. The past leads the Way to a great present and even greater future. Each step that I take on the trail grounds me and brings me back to now – well and alive.

I am a stranger on earth in a place I have never stepped before. I am re-creating who I am – daughter, sister, friend – out of the bits and pieces from my family of origin and the remaining parts that I provide.

As I go today

The landscapes of the Spanish countryside comprise the current reality of my life. I hope that the answers I find soften the hard questions in my mind. I pray that the doubts and fears I brought with me grow smaller and fewer as I continue along the Way.

Within ourselves is not very far and yet it is so far that one’s whole life is not always long enough to get there.

– Julien Green

I am on the camino trail, continuing my healing and becoming less a stranger on earth.

Baadaye and Buen camino

Shirley J ♥️

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Here is the song Stranger on The Earth by Miss Dinah Washington.

This and several posts this summer will chronicle my pilgrimage in Spain where I will walk the 1400 kilometer-long camino Mozárabe. Read my announcement here.